His Perfection

My life is not perfect……………….
Growing up my parents had so many expectations from me not only me my sisters too being that they never had a male child and both their families told them to their face that a female child can never amount to anything so they determined their case would be different which led to so many expectations from each and every one of us.

My life is not perfect, I am not perfect, growing up I tried meeting those expectations all my life I lived it to make my father proud of me but each time I tried I felt like a failure everything was based on making him happy, in my own strength and understanding I tried to be perfect the more I tried the more flaws I saw in myself. I tried so hard for so long I got frustrated, angry and disappointed in myself, I was not happy but still I drove myself hard. They say having a daughter you have to be sensitive enough at a point he stopped understanding me and at a point in my lie I gave up understanding and trying to please him too but it was all out of frustaration then I had become an angry person, I was angry at the whole world, I was angry with my father, I was angry with myself and most especially I was angry with God to me at that point He just seemed like an imaginary being, his existence was not practical in my life I became so lost I forgot who I really was and turned to someone else entirely in all this transitioning I even did not notice the person I have become and deeper I sank into the abyss of misery.

Eventually, I began to feel the love of God for me although I couldn’t grasp it but I could feel its enormosity then I began to understand what love really is that it is not based on expectations or perfection but imperfection in the light of perfection that no matter how much flaws there are He loves me, He always had even before I came by the knowledge of him and He will always love me no matter what and all he desires is for me to realize how much He does. Just like the light of a new dawn His love filled my heart and swallowed the darkness and now I see myself in the light of Him.

Just like the eagle soars high in the sky, just like it tries not to be anything else but an eagle which He created him to be, I decided to be me I do not try to be perfect anymore my life isn’t even close to perfect but for every challenge that came my way and that still comes my way I do not let it define who I am people say I am a strong person but thinking back there are so many nights I’ve cried quietly/loudly just saying ‘Lord, why?’. All that has made me who I am, a stronger person and above all a happy person, now I smile more because somewhere deep in my heart I have that assurance that everything will be just fine that I am His master piece in the making, a unique and the bestest person in my world.

I am not the richest neither am I the most intelligent in fact I might choose not to give myself a reason to be happy but looking around and seeing what He has given me I am most grateful, people that love me, encourage me, won’t allow me to give up, they are but few I am so happy to have them in my life the ones that love me with all the flaws and will also stand by me. So ive got everything to be thankful for especially my faith because in my nothingness He has made a great thing out of it and all I’ve got to do is to go ahead and be me; the purpose to which He created me, being me.

Xperience

We all have been through or experienced one thing or the other, it has been what made us, some see it as a challenge in which they learn lessons from while some see it has a problem or sometimes punishment from a metaphysical power which has control over their lives and indeed learn nothing from it, with time it builds up and make them worse people.

I have also had my share of challenges of which I won’t bore you with my true life story, that will be for later in my autobiography but I’ll tell you just a tip of the iceberg and go straight to my point. The major problem or let me just say the root of most people’s challenges start from the home, the home is what makes a society, an unhealthy society is bred from the home. Let’s talk about Nigeria, a typical Nigerian home has succeeded in producing children that are psychologically and emotionally battered. To me, correct me if I’m wrong, a home is a haven, a place of rest which should be filled with love, joy and happiness. We all go out every day  (I’m referring to the children now) sometimes we get picked on in school by our mates or overzealous seniors, get called by obscene names, the teacher calls you a dullard out of frustration that you can’t quickly recollect what (s)he taught you in the last class, sometimes you perform below your parent’s expectations in test or examination, then you go back home (the sole responsibility of parents is to provide food, shelter and above all protect the children) a typical Nigerian home , the parents do not even have time to ask you how your day was or to listen to what a bully did to you or what the teacher said to you in fact you might even get beaten so we prefer keeping things away from them as much as possible and some become rebellious.

I was reminiscing with my sister the other night about our childhood, if we were asked of being guilty of something, if you say the truth, we get beaten, if we don’t, we get trashed even when they ask the question it’s like no matter what the reply you give their mind is already made up, sometimes they just hit you more out of frustration and anger than correction.

Many people end up being an introvert not because they are naturally quiet but because while growing up they have been shut up for one reason or the other by their parents so they grow up believing they don’t or might not make sense when they talk in the public or fear that they might be told to shut up by a more intellectual person, some end up being shy and prefer the back of the seat where they won’t be seen, lack of confidence and so on.

 I was made an introvert, I didn’t even get the chance to explore whether I’d be an introvert or extrovert, my parents never took time to find out what’s going on in my life, so I kept to myself and found solace in reading to pass away the time and writing to express myself (my pen understands me the most). I’m a very quiet person not because that’s my nature but because I was moulded in that manner unconsciously.

The entire sermon I just told is to point out a fact that most Nigerian parents have battered and constantly violated their children’s emotions either by beating, harsh words and actions so therefore releasing broken-spirited children into the society.

Some has made choices due to that some decide or unconsciously hurt people some believe love doesn’t exist (because you can’t give what you don’t have, parents never took the time to show love or maybe they do not understand it themselves and didn’t get marry because of that). At a point it got to me, angry and not able to let out the emotions, the feeling of hurting someone else crept in, closing and distancing myself from people, sometimes I just think of paying them back in their own coins but what kind of person will that make me, a cold and heartless human and more like them.

My sister always told me there’s a reason for experiencing all that, even at home, God has a reason for it; to break, mould and make us into a better person. So the point is letting go of the hurt, I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy thing or sudden but a gradual process. Imagine how the world will be if we all decide to reciprocate every bitterness and anger, it is love that keeps us together. If you’ve been hurt before the best thing you can do is to make sure someone close to you does not experience the same thing, give a helping hand to someone, give someone hope when they least expect.

In all I decided to let go and I made a promise to myself that as long as it is in my capacity nobody close to me will not go through what I went through and to always help people in need of a helping hand. That is what makes us human, that is what makes our world a better place to live n and that is how we heal it.

#2013

When this year started, I didn’t make any resolution but I had expectations and feelings that it was going to be a good year. The year has run out although I don’t live in a beach house in the Bahamas, or went to chill in a resort in Hawaii or drive an Aston Martin Lagonda 2016 or rock a Christian Louboutin shoe or wear Alexander McQueen (well, at least not yet) the year has been a wonderful one because of the people around me that impacted o`n me one way or the other.

I decided to walk in love and be a better person this year, although it wasn’t easy, I lost people for telling them the truth, I lost people I thought were my friends but in all I was able to be at peace with all even when they hurt me and didn’t apologize I also learned forgiveness. At a point in time I prayed to God to only bring people who will be relevant to me in life along my way, like a flash I lost many people and had a few left, this few made my year and they are……….. Wait for it………………….;

Osoba Adewale ; my crazy intellectual friend, I’m thankful for the impact you made in my life and being a source of inspiration and encouragement especially last semester, God bless you.

Okojie Okhaifo (a.k.a okha baba); even with the distance, I really appreciate your caring attitude and you encouraging me in my writing. I love you. xoxox.

Adeoye Taiwo (AIESEC mentor); I really want to thank you for your care, love, concern only God can reward you abundantly.

Oyedapo Bukunmin; my one and only archi boyfriend (LOL) thank you for caring even when I behave like an asshole, I still love you.

 Opoola Adenike; (hahahaha) my crazy friend, thanks for being a good friend to me, it’s been a while since I’ve had a friend like you, I love you a bunch, God bless you.

Akinsola Akintomide; (baba niyen) I don’t even know where to start, thank you for being there for me and for being a brother to me. God bless you and you know I love you shea.

Adegoke Obafemi; you have been a blessing to me, God bless you.

Akinsola Oluwatimilehin; my twinnie of life, only God can thank/bless you for me, you made me possible. I love you.

All of you have been good and wonderful people to me and you made the challenges of 2013 seem like nothing, I’m blessed having you guys around. God bless you all.

SILVER LINNING I

It was a stormy night, the darkness so thick one could almost feel it hovering in the air as if looking for someone to choke the life out of. It was difficult to see through it, the wind howled threatening to remove the roof from the head of the buildings, like a scared child the buildings quivered as if they could read its mind. It was the dirtiest part of the city, buildings stood in clusters, old and dirty with age. Due to the poor drainage waters from the houses emptied into the streets making them dirty and marshy even in dry season. As the rain came down heavily on the roof of the houses that night, the night became still, unlike the usual noisy night. It was as if the angel of death was passing through the night.

Kolapo adjusted the pile of clothes which he used as a pillow on his mother’s head, just then his mother went into a fit of cough, he raised her head so she could spit saliva with a taint of blood into a worn out bowl which was already filled to the quarter of it.

‘Mama sorry’, kolapo said as he raised her head to drink from an old and dirty plastic cup. Adunni nodded, and beckoned to her son to move closer. She said in a low voice almost in a whisper; 'kolapo, your children will take care of you too'.
‘Amen mama’, kolapo replied hurriedly
‘I’m sorry for not taking care of you as a mother should, hmmn' she sighed, 'but I want you to remember all I have taught you, even though I might not be around, you will always be a son I am proud of and almost importantly someone you’ll be proud of’.

‘Mama I promise to be all that you have taught me to be, but mama you will always be there for me’, he said in between sobs.
‘My son, do not cry always remember that there are better days ahead’.
Adunni coughed violently as kolapo raised her head to give her water, she gave one last cough that raked through her body then she went still. The cup fell from kolapo’s hand as he shook her violently, screaming, Mama, Mama, Mama.
He dashed outside like a mad man and ran to Mama Nkechi’s house their closest neighbor; he pounded heavily on her door.
Mama Nkechi stood close to the window and motioned to her children to keep quiet.
Kolapo pounded, screaming, 'Mama Nkechi please help my mother, she’s dying'. After a while he slumped to the ground and started crying silently exhausted he cried on and on, the rain beating heavily on him and washing away his tears like the only one that understands his pain. After a while he stood up and walked in a daze to his house, then got on the other side of the bed where his mother lay stiffly, wrapping her hands around himself he laid his head on her bosom hoping in his heart that she will wake up the next morning screaming his name on top of her voice scolding him for not waking up early with everything back to how they were, then he drifted off to sleep

As a blow hit him in his head he slumped to the dirty floor, then they began to kick him all over his body he raised his two hands to cover kicks to his face but it didn’t make any difference when he made no movement, they left him and went back to different corners of the dark cell. Kolapo lay sprawled on the floor becoming less conscious of his surrounding; a tear trickled down his right eye as he laid unable to move gradually sinking into oblivion.

The next day he woke up unable to open his eyes which was swollen from the beating, he tried to stand but a stab of pain to his ribs stopped him he moaned and laid still, preparing himself for the pain the second time he sat up the pain made him dizzy, he dragged himself to a corner his back against the wall then he closed his eyes trying very hard to fight the pain.

After the mother died, the landlord sent them away, homeless he took up petty jobs to feed himself and send himself to a public school. When he couldn’t afford the fee for his final exam in senior secondary school, he took a job at Mama Yetty’s beer parlour, loading and off loading crates of beer. Mama Yetty , a fat woman in her early fifties very popular in the area.
It was one hot afternoon, his stomach growled as he carried the crates of beer into the shop, it was the last round of crates, as two crates were lifted to his head, he balanced it as he was about to step into the shop, he staggered and lost his balance he held on tightly to the crates but his attempt was futile as he landed on fours, broken bottles flying everywhere its content spilled all over.
She screamed her eyes bulging from her fat face,  ‘yee ori mi o’ she said and started to rise from her chair.
By then kolapo had started to cry, his hands on his head, Mama Yetty gave him a sharp slap which sent him reeling, hitting his head on the wall.
Mama Yetty told her two of her workers to grab kolapo and take him to the police station instructing them to tell the officers to release him until he pays her debt or punish him severely.
Kolapo squirmed as he was being dragged away, he begged and cried at the same time all his pleas falling on deaf ears.

TO BE CONTINUED…………………  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I remember the first time we saw, I was like three years old, the time you and Olumide came for holiday at our place.

I remember we used to play daddy and mummy, you were the daddy and Timilehin and I were your wives. It was silly, every time I think about it, it brings smile to my face no matter the mood I am in, the day you hit your head on the ground and the three of us kept it a secret from mum, then you became very sick and we had to confess ( I can’t really remember if I was the one that told the secret), well it was the best time ever!

Since then we have looked up to you like a brother we never had and you filled the gap.

Well, sometimes it’s just too late to tell the people you love how you feel about them, I guess it’s never too late to tell you how I feel although when you were here I  never thought it necessary neither did I think I’d have to write this because I thought you’ll always be here but I was wrong.

This is all kind of awkward; I just want to thank you for everything, for being there despite how annoying, difficult and impossible I am.

The last time we saw, I remembered how you hugged and carried the three of us around and you said ‘I don’t want it to be a new thing if any guy should do this’. I’ll always remember and cherish it if I knew you were leaving, would have hugged you more.

Today is the day you were born on this earth, and you are a special and extraordinary person, not because of the materials you have but because you’ve been able to influence the life of others in a positive way I pray that you will spend many more years and live a fulfilled live.

You are one of the few people that have inspired me to become a better person, I love you so much. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

JANGLE

Lucy watched  Mark and Jade as they laughed over a shared joke, she sat looking at them across the table with a fake smile plastered on her face, she hated times like this, she hated going out on lunch date with them, she only did it because Jade thinks she has to go out more often instead of keeping to herself, deep down she knows she is afraid she might try to commit suicide again. Lucy came from the countryside to study in the city, the only child of her parents. She lived on a farm with her parents before she got a scholarship to study in the city. It had been a joyful thing for her parents and she had been elated about the change of environment and the new people she was going to meet. All her expectations about all that started to deflate before her very eyes, she wore her auburn hair down all the time and always dressed in oversized sweater and faded jeans and boot. Jade her roommate a perfect picture of perfection was of average height, a brunette, the first time they met was their first day in college, she breezed in with a big smile and beautiful face with big blue eyes deep enough to drown anyone, little wonder she has no issues getting guys, she mused absent minded.

Are you okay? Jade touched her arm lightly her eyes full of concern.

She jolted back to reality as she touched her; I’m feeling kind of tired, that’s all. I’m just going to go back to the room and rest; she picked her bag and stood up.

Almost immediately, Jade snatched up her bag, 'we should go together then, we could all go and hang out in the room, shall we Mark?'. She gave him a wink, Mark stood up reluctantly and smiled, 'anything for you milady' he said with a mock salute.

They walked slowly from the restaurant towards their hostel, Jade held Lucy’s hand in hers and tried to get her to talk.

Adjusting to a new environment had been a difficult thing for Lucy, even back un high school she rarely spoke and sat at the back of the class, she gets picked on a few times, she had no boyfriend only Tim which she crushed on throughout the year, he was in the school football team, she’d stay over pretending to read a book while peeping through it as he practiced, if wishes were horses she might have tried ridding on one. She never even got to say ‘hi’ to him.

It was at the time she had given up on her love life and dedicated herself to her books and only hang out with Jade and whoever her boyfriend is. It was then she met Jimmy, medium height with a well chiseled jaw and curvy mouth that spreads into a smile easily, sandy brown hair that always look like he combs his fingers through it which gives  him a ‘rock-star’ look.  It had been a steady thing because she was uncertain and new to the relationship thing; eventually Jimmy broke the walls she had managed to build around her with his charm.

The night she lost her virginity to him had been at his place, it was close to the her final examinations for the semester, he had asked her to come sleep over at his place since his roommate wasn’t going to be around in which she accepted with a condition that she was going to study first. It went as planned at first with her trying to concentrate on what she was reading while he played a game on his Xbox only with his  pant, his half- tanned body, muscled chest and six packs gives her tremors whenever she sees him like that. When she could no longer take it she went over to his where he was sitting and sat in front of him. He dropped his console then half dragged her close to him, he cupped her face in his hands and looked into her eyes,

'What is wrong darling?' he asked his face full of concern.              

She looked down at his lips. 'Nothing, just a slight headache' she said.

'Well, I just might know how to make it go away', he said with a devilish grin, and then he kissed her. It wasn’t the first time; in fact they’d done everything apart from sex.

He carried her to his bed, removed his pant with only his boxers on, eager for his touch she reached out and pulled him on top of her. She unhooked her bra, he finished it off by removing it and throwing it in one corner of the room. The she felt his lips caressing the sensitive sides of her breasts. Her throat pulsed, she moaned and arched her back from the pleasure which began to spread through her body. After a while he kissed her navel and his mouth traced down to the lower part of her abdomen. He undid her jeans and slipped it down, she kicked it off as his hand groped to touch her.

He entered her with a thrust, a cry escaped her lips with her fingers digging in to his shoulders, he brought his warm mouth down upon hers and the involuntary cry was silenced in the deep of the center of his kiss. He brought about the abandonment he had sought from her from the beginning of the lovemaking.

After that night her feelings for him became certain removing every doubt in her. She started noticing he became reluctant to see her, that fateful afternoon she decided to give him a surprise visit, she knocked on the door nobody answered it although she could hear voices inside. She pushed the door open, she saw three of Jimmy’s friend and his roommate amongst them watching a video she moved closer to them and was shocked to see herself in it, only to realize that it was the video from the night they made love. She stood rooted to the spot as if in a trance , tears trickled down her face , just then Jimmy entered and saw her, he traced her eyes to what she was staring at, just then she came to her senses , she looked at him  then ran out of the house, she kept on running, stumbled then continued to run till she got to her room shaking and sobbing at the same time, she went to her bed and curled up into a tight ball after crying for about one hour  she lay exhausted in her bed, then she got up slowly went to the bathroom and filled the bath tub up, she got a razor from her reading desk, sank into the tub with her clothes and boot on, then she slit her wrist. She cried as blood trickled down her wrist and as life began to drain from her she remembered her parents, her high school days; the laughter of the students that picked on her rang out loud in her ears until it began to drown her as she sank into oblivion.

She woke up in the hospital. She spent a week there; Jade told a lie to cover up her suicide attempt, which she was thankful of although the doctor didn’t believe her.

She rarely went home at the end of the semester, she decided to stay back in school solely because she wanted to be alone. As always Jade spoilt her plan by inviting her over to a camping trip she planned with Mark earlier on. At first she made excuses which fell into deaf ears and finally agreed to go.

On that day, they went in Mark's truck, their camping gears at the rear. It was a short journey; they parked at the side of the road and made their way to the camp site on foot, hikers frequented the wood this time of the year. They finally decided on a spot to stay. The sun was beginning to set by the time they arrived, they set down their camping gears and each one of them began to make their tent. After she was done Mark told her to go get some woods they would use to make fire for the night. After she was gone, Mark confronted Jade about Lucy accompanying them.

'Come on Mark you know I can't let her be on her own after what happened, I just want her to get over it'. She said gently trying to hold his hand.

Mark jerked away, 'I don't give a fuck about what happened to her, that's her fucking business and the girl acts like a freak. You are not her fucking mom, so why worry yourself about her.

Jade recoiled at the tone of his voice

 'Mark are you okay? She's my friend and don't you dare talk to me like that again'. She said and began to walk away.

Mark pulled her back forcefully and almost sent her sprawling in the dirt.

'Now you talk back at me because of that thing or you've been fucking some other guy, bitch?'

Jade slapped him an angry scowl on her face

'Are you crazy? I'm so done with you I'm gonna go find Lucy when you are in the right frame of mind I'll be waiting for an apology'.

She began to walk away.

'Mark pulled her back with her hair, bitch we aint done here and you're going no where'.

Jade fought frantically to loosen her hair from his grip, then she bit his arm.

Mark, released her abruptly

'Fuck fuck fuck, you fucking bitch' he said rubbing his arm.

He came upon Jade then pushed her back with so much force fueled by his anger.

Jade staggered back and caught her leg in between a branch of tree lying on the floor,she went sprawling on the ground, she landed with her back and her head hit a jagged rock that laid buried in the ground.

A pool of blood began to spread from her head around her body, Mark went over to her side and dropped on his knees, he called her name repeatedly then stood up and started pacing like a caged animal. Lucy arrived with the woods and her eyes caught on Jade lying on the ground with mark pacing beside her, sensing that some thing might be wrong, she dropped the woods and ran towards them, she stopped in shock when she saw the blood pooling around her body. Mark looked over his shoulder and saw Lucy, her eyes met his, what she saw there sent chills down her spine. She began to back off slowly from him, Mark rushed towards her then she broke to a run. She ran into the woods, branches brushed her face as she ran blindly some cut into her skin, she stumbled over a stump of tree and rolled over before she picked herself up and continued to run. She stopped dead at a sharp sound, looking over her shoulder she stifled a scream, all she saw was pitch blackness, ahead of her was the main road.

'Only if she could make it' she thought to herself.

 She increased her speed looking over her shoulder and seeing nothing. She saw the light ahead of her, panting, each step echoing in her ears as she ran. A train horn blasted in the distance, the bell of the stop sign for cars rang out, she stumbled then landed on her fours, she screamed as if he was upon her, then looked back and saw him coming towards her in the darkness. She stood up, took a few steps back, she saw the train light coming closer towards her, she started running again. She got to the train tracks looked behind her shoulders and saw nothing, in her fright she crossed the track, as she was about to leave her right foot caught in between the tracks, the train horn blasted with its full light upon her face then she heard no more.

Mark watched as the train crushed her from a distance and retreated into the darkness quietly.

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

You know, little things in this world matter a lot, even the bigger things we set our minds on, the greater things we build up on our minds are not even really important. Things like money, pleasure, luxury, just to name a few.
Bigger things are built on little things, that is, little things matter a lot. A small stone thrown in a pool of water causes a ripple effect which means no matter how little what we do it affects the people around us.
Most people find it easy to tell a lie, from an insignificant lie as to where you are to someone waiting for you, to lying to cover up a mistake.
One thing is when you lie you keep on doing it and the more lies you tell the easier it becomes for you to tell one until it  becomes difficult for you to tell the truth even  if you want to.
It is easy to point accusing fingers to our leaders, it is very easy for us to judge them the question is as a personal representation of yourself are you a person of integrity, well you might not be embezzling public funds yet or be lying to people for your personal gain, but those little things you think are insignificant build up to make you a person in which value can be placed on. Let your conscience be the judge.

There are these short stories I read from a devotional book, a true life story;

In a country church of a small town, an altar boy, serving the priest at Sunday mass, accidentally dropped the cruet of wine. The priest slapped the altar boy on the cheek, and in an angry voice, shouted ‘leave the altar and don’t ever come back!’  That boy later became Marshall Tito, the communist leader of Yugoslavia who massacred thousands of people.
In the cathedral of a large city, an altar boy, serving the bishop at Sunday mass, accidentally dropped the cruet of wine. With a warm, gentle look in his eyes, the bishop lovingly whispered, ‘someday you will become a priest’. That boy grew up to become Archbishop Fulton Sheen who touched the lives of millions worldwide with his warmth, wisdom and humor.
Reading these two stories there is one similar thing, WORD. Correction was made but there is only one difference , the manner of which they were uttered, the Bible makes us to understand  that the tongue being the smallest part of the body is very dangerous and if not tamed can cause great ruin.
In my generation, people have let loose of their tongue, they say anything they want to say as it comes to their head without even stopping to think for a few seconds the effect it might have on the person which it is spoken to.
I am not against correction, most parents think or believe that they have the right to say anything to their child(ren) no matter how grave it is to their detriment in a bid to correct them. When someone a child looks up to, loves and older constantly or even occasionally says hurtful words to the child, each word punctures the ego and confidence of the child. We all are different, we do not have the same level of resilience to wrong things that happen to us, but what about those who have low resilience to such things, most people grow up believing the worst about themselves, they end up believing they are so worthless, that is why someone will walk into a school, go on a killing spree then shoot himself. Why? Because they are angry at people and see them as worthless.
In short, little words of encouragement might change the life of a person; the depth at which it goes can never be fathomed. Half of who I am today is because of an encouragement I have received one way or the other.
Encourage someone today; remember someone might find hope in your words.